Destination Elopement by Erin
After we became engaged, my fiancé and I had a few hours to ourselves and let things sink in before we had to attend a family event, which is when we announced our engagement. We discussed our overall vision of our wedding day before letting others know our news. It did not take long for us to decide on a destination elopement in California. Although we live on the east coast, we both have connections to California, and we knew, almost from the start, that California would be our choice, though we briefly toyed with the idea of Maine because it holds a special place to us. We didn’t consider saying we were having a destination wedding. We just simply said, “We’re getting married in California.” Then I started adding, “It’s going to be a small wedding,” emphasizing “small.”
Each time the topic of weddings came up, I began to feel more and more overwhelmed. As you may imagine, there was no shortage of opinions on what we should do for our wedding. The very idea of an extensive guest list nearly sent me into a panic. I couldn’t and wouldn’t spend precious free time on considering a colossal list to whittle down, worry about offending people, leaving people off the list by accident, and sorry, I didn’t want to think about that many dietary restrictions.
It did not take long for us to decide that a small wedding was indeed the way to go for us. No crowd, not on the east coast, and the beach. These were the initial ideas for our wedding, which lead us to a search on elopements in California, by the beach, if possible.
Here is a non-comprehensive list of things that needed to fall into place as we moved ahead with planning our elopement in California:
- First and Foremost: Our wedding day is our wedding day! It is not about anyone else. Period.
- I needed to come to terms with “elopement.” Before I was ready for marriage, my idea of elopement was meeting someone, getting hit with the Michael Corleone thunderbolt, and running off to Las Vegas for a whirlwind weekend. As a romantic, this sounded like a good idea. As a planner, this did not really appeal to me once I thought it through. Elopement does not necessarily mean, “no planning.” In fact, it can be the completely planned!
- Elopement Equals Small Wedding: I emphasize that I had to redefine what a destination elopement meant to me. I had grown up with the idea that elopements happened because everyone, or at the very least, one party’s family or parents, were against the union. My fiancé and I are definitely not in that category.
- Decide on a Size: We waivered on this for a few months. We are both involved in several activities together and independently of each other. For us, the hard decisions involved the feelings of other people, breaking the first and foremost rule. If we invited “Karen” from social group X, then we have to invite “Keith” from that same group – whom none of us like, but we would have to invite him if we wanted Karen there. Stop the madness right here. “Close family only.”
- How Firm is That List? : We both decided that we would each include one of our closest friends that mattered on a number of levels for us: experiences with that friend, reliability (“texting associates” not considered), and a sentimental/spiritual connection. They had to meet those criteria at the minimum. We each have that one friend and their spouses coming. Our count so far: 25 – and that number has not changed since we decided.
- It is Okay to Be on a Budget: Weddings can work on the ego and the self-esteem if you let it. Of course, every ad you see is going to have the picture-perfect bride with paper white teeth, a flowing gown with sparkles and tutus, and the reception will be held in a setting that makes one suspicious of their existence. According to The Knot, the average wedding costs nearly $30,000. They list Manhattan as the most expensive place to get married at a cool $87,000 – average. Sound reasonable? No, not to me either. Being cost effective is okay, and a small wedding is a great way to do that!
- Don’t Let People Upsell You: In other words, know what you want. Disclosure: I did not know what I wanted, but a few phone calls told me what I did not want. I did not want to feel shamed into spending more money. Of course, I want our day to be unique, but I do not need to be at a 5-Star resort and rent cable cars to make it special. Sometimes, figuring out what I do not want helps me figure out what I do want.
The most critical piece for us has been to keep communicating with each other. Yes, we want a special day that is meaningful to us. We frequently communicate to keep the other in loving check. Panic is sure to arise throughout the process. One day, I may think it is perfectly reasonable to spend a month’s salary on flowers. My fiancé may think a string quartet is reasonable. Sure, these are all reasonable requests, but are they necessary to express our love and values? We have set up a shared document with costs, ideas, and vendor contacts that we can both update. Some items were crossed off the list immediately if we did not feel those people, places, or things reflected or shared our values. Our process of weeding things out was simple: if it does not feel authentic, it is off the list. In the words of Shakespeare, “To thine own self be true.”
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